My blogging has decreased dramatically... Last fall when I was diagnosed with MS- Caringbridge became my means of expressing reality and I'm stuck in the middle of the two. Knowing that with my health being "stable" I don't HAVE to post on caringbridge- but I find that I need to as (1) People are reading and (2) Though I'm stable, by no means am I who I used to be- and I want to be able to articulate that the best I can. BUT we don't want to let this blog die as we love to use it as a way of communicating about life and ministry...
So here I am trying to express a million feelings in one short blog post... I emaield a friend tonight and I didn't even know how I was feeling until I started to write... but as I wrote, I realized it's totally how I feel.
So rewind to last year. I was joking that come November (when Josie turned 1) I would be done breastfeeding.. Which though sad, would mean I would get my body back. I would have been nursing,pregnant, or both at the same time for almost 3 1/2 years and I was excited to "have my body back" for a bit. When I got sick last October- it felt like a cruel joke - as rather than getting my body back, I completely lost all abilities to function as normal. It's hard to believe that there were days I didn't really get out of bed. I was sick. More sick than I realized at the time.
Well- now I'm at the long-awaited day where both my girls nap at the exact time every single day. They are awesome nappers and we have this neat little bunny clock in Ellie's room- so she knows she needs to stay in bed to sleep and /or rest until the bunny wakes up. So every afternoon there is over two hours of over-lapping naps. I remember in the midst of nursing throughout the night, short naps, putting one baby to bed to INSTANTLY have the other wake up, all the classic stories with young kids... how I longed for this day. I realized that someday I would finally get both girls to nap at the same time. I don't remember exactly but I know I had dreams for what I would do during the coveted nap time... Make a new meal, catch up on housework, scrub the floor, call a friend, meet with a student, and a million other things. I didn't know how I was going to spend the time, but I sure know I was looking forward to it...
And you know what - just like how I was "longing" for the day I would get my body back - and turns out I didn't really get my body back at all. My hope for this awesome "break" each day has not turned out at all how I planned. The reality is that I need to expect to get NOTHING done with the girls nap. When they nap, I really don't have much of a choice- I HAVE TO NAP. It's not that "Oh I'm a mom of young kids and am really tired all of the time" type of nap.. it's a "It feels like my body shuts down and I simply have no choice but to sleep" kind of nap.
So I spend those precious hours of quiet nap time- NAPPING. That may sound appealing to you, but it can DRIVE ME CRAZY!!! I'm a "do a million things in a minute" type of person and do NOT want to be stopped. But this season has slowed me down- in an incedible way.
So to be honest, it's simply amazing to me that I'm used to getting NOTHING done during nap time. It's incredible that in the Lord's patience and sovereignty He has made me okay with the fact that this is what the afternoon looks like for me. By no means am I saying I like it . (I mean seriously, if I'm going to nap every day- shouldn't I at least feel more rested than ever??) :-)
But as I was emailing my friend today, I realized that although I feel like I'm doing a lot of things not nearly as well as I'd want to be doing them... I truly feel like I'm doing one thing well-
I've cut out a ton. I say no to a lot. I get incredibly frusterated by my limitations and terribly annoyed that I have to plan my life around MY nap schedule. But I can truly say I feel like I'm doing one job well- and that is the job that I can over look or under value- the job of being a mom.
It brought tears to my eyes-to realize that The Lord in His sovereign love, mercy, and grace has brought about much pain and suffering. But the result is I rely on Him more, rely on my own strength FAR less, and each day am able to really focus on Noah and Ellie & Josie and the home and life we have here.
A year ago we were wrapping up life in Champaign and overwhelmed with sorrow as we tried to imagine how life would unfold. I can truly say I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what was coming... but I see that God did, and in a way that only HE can do, "We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28 New Living Translation)